You can be a match made in heaven, he could be the man of your dreams –
and yet at times we still find ourselves burdened by our little fear monster
inside that it’s too good to be true, or we are not worthy of this persons love
or simply that due to circumstances in previous relationships, you simply don’t
have trust in those, who maybe have not given you any reason not to trust them.
Maybe you have that non-trust until it’s earnt concept. Fact is – unless the
person in question has given you a solid reason not to trust them, creating
these kinds of reasons not to trust them are going to be your relationship
downfall. So it’s completely within your control. The following steps by Daniel
Wallen are a great idea of how to take that fear and get back into control:
1. Stop thinking it
is all about you.
A self-centered worldview will have you chasing boogeymen where they
don’t exist. If your partner doesn’t feel like going out, don’t assume it is
because of you when they just as easily could have had a really bad day at work
that drained their energy. Stop psycho-analyzing every word choice your partner
makes and be more present in the moment so you can notice the message behind
their tone, physical presence, and posture. Obsessing with hidden meanings is a
sure-fire way to miss the point. Don’t berate your partner for being too quiet,
or continuously ask, “What are you thinking?” during every lapse of
conversation. An overwhelming urge to fill every second of silence with
needless words is a habit of an insecure person. Take your partner’s hand,
breathe in, breathe out, and enjoy the silence together. Who says you can’t
enjoy simply being with each other without words?
2. Stop psyching
yourself out.
Your thoughts could be your relationship’s best friend or worst enemy.
The quality of your thoughts has a direct effect on the quality of your
relationship. Have you ever found thinking negative thoughts like, “I
know they’ll get sick of me someday,” or, “How could they love
me?” These thoughts have little to do with reality but
a lot to do with fear. In other words, the problem you are
concerned with doesn’t exist—you invented it! Any time you find
yourself feeling insecure about your relationship, tell yourself, “The thing
I’m worried about only exists in my head. I have full control.”
3. Stop lugging around all
that baggage.
Ever been in a relationship so terrible that you would love to
just wish it all away so you never have to think about it again? Join the club.
You’ll be hard-pressed to find a person who doesn’t have a bit of baggage
because this love thing is an unpredictable (and sometimes rocky) ride. A
little baggage is totally okay, but you need to lighten your load before
jumping into any new relationship. Let go of any left-over hurtful feelings
that might be lingering and realize that your new relationship is a new
opportunity to put all of that behind you. The lovely thing about life: you can
re-start as many times as you need to!
4. Stop seeing things in black and white.
How do you react when someone blames you for something that you
don’t think is your fault? Survey says: you get defensive. Likewise,
confronting your partner over a problem—no matter how obvious
it may be to you—will most likely cause them to become
defensive. This usually leads to a knock-down, drag-out fight that is the
opposite of productive because you’re both too busy trying to prove you’re
right to resolve your conflict. If you have a problem, don’t immediately point
the finger, but instead approach your partner with compassion and
understanding. Be comfortable in the fact that neither of you is fully “right”
or “wrong.” The true answer lies somewhere in the middle.
5. Stop feeling paranoid over
nothing.
Let’s face it: we all talk to people of the opposite sex. Just
because a boy and girl (or boy and boy, or girl and girl) are friends doesn’t
mean there is more to the story. Avoid the temptation to snoop your partner’s
phone, Facebook messages, or email account. While this could temporarily calm
your nerves when you see nothing afoul, it is also a behavior that could
quickly become addictive, not to mention damaging for relationship trust when
they find out Big Brother is watching.
6. Stop putting off uncomfortable conversations.
While conflict is stressful for your relationship in the
short-term, it will build the strength of your relationship in the long-term.
Facing your problems without fear will help you grow closer to your partner.
Never mince words with each other and you will develop trust so
strong that you can tell your partner anything that is on your mind.
7. Stop being dependent on anyone but yourself.
Having someone to hug, kiss, cuddle, make love to, and share
your life with is nothing short of wonderful. But before you march off into the
sunset in search of love, you need to learn to love yourself. Just like you
shouldn’t invite a friend to your home while it’s a disorganized wreck, you
shouldn’t invite a partner into your life while it is in disarray. Take care if
your inner-house before you invite anyone else to it.
