We all do it in
some form — tell ourselves we’re going to do something, and then we often end
up not sticking to that plan.
Maybe one or more
of these will resonate with you:
·
You say you’re going to stick to a certain diet, and then you end up
breaking it in half a day, and then mostly abandoning it.
·
You say you’re going to work hard on certain projects and not
procrastinate anymore, and then you get distracted by something and the plan
goes out the door.
·
You say you’re going to meditate (or do yoga, read, write, etc.) every
morning, and then one of these mornings you are in a rush or are tired and skip
the meditation. Then you do it again the next day.
·
You say you’re going to stay on top of your email, or read more, or
finally tackle that clutter … and the plan doesn’t even get off the ground.
·
You say you’re going to work out four times a week, and that works out
exactly once, then you just don’t go to the gym.
So what’s going on?
Are we just horrible people, with no discipline? Are we liars, never to be
believed? Are we hopeless cases, consigned to spending a life on the couch
eating donuts and potato chips, watching Netflix and hating ourselves?
I find this a
fascinating subject, and I’ve been studying it in myself and in the thousands
of people I’ve worked with. Here’s what I’ve been finding.
The Reasons We
Don’t Stick With Our Plan
One of the things
I’ve found is that there isn’t always just one reason. Sometimes it’s multiple
reasons at once, or other times it’s different reasons depending on the
situation or the type of person you are.
But here are some
of the most common reasons we don’t stick to things:
1. We don’t take it
seriously. This is my No. 1 problem in this area — I tell myself I’m going to
stick to a new plan, but I think that’s enough to make it happen. I somehow
assume it’s going to be easy, despite all the past evidence that the only time
I stick to things is when I take them seriously and put in a serious effort.
Most of the time, we just half commit to something, kind of like only being
half in a relationship — with that kind of commitment, eventually you’ll be out
of it.
2. We just forget. We tell ourselves
we’re going to meditate every day, with complete resolve. Then the morning
comes and we just plain forget. We remember later, but we’re busy then. The
next morning, we forget again. By the time we remember, we feel disappointed
with ourselves and give up.
3. We run from
discomfort or uncertainty. When the exercise habit (or meditation) gets
uncomfortable, we stop enjoying it, and make up excuses to put it off (see No.
5 below). When we face a difficult habit like writing or big tasks at work,
there is a lot of uncertainty in those tasks, so we start finding reasons to
put it off. We don’t like uncertainty or discomfort, so we try to get out of
it.
4. We give in to
temptation, out of habit. Temptation is all around us: the temptation of
chocolate cake when we said we’re going to stick to a diet, the temptation of
TV when we said we’re going to go to bed earlier, the temptation of the phone
or Internet when we said we’re going to meditate. Actually, temptation is just
a bit of discomfort, but our habitual response is to just give in. Rationalize,
and let the temptation rule our response.
5. We rationalize. When something
gets difficult, or we have a temptation in front of us, our minds start to
rationalize why it’s OK to do what we said we weren’t going to do. Our brains
can be very very good at rationalizing: “Just one more won’t hurt,” or “You
worked hard, you deserve it,” or “This time doesn’t count, you’ll start
tomorrow,” or “It’s a special occasion, this is a good exception.” Those all
sound reasonable, except that they sabotage our plans. Once we start to believe
these rationalizations, sticking to anything goes out the door.
6. We renegotiate. We say we’re
going to do something, then when the moment comes to do it, we’re feeling
temptation, discomfort, uncertainty … and so we start to say, “Well, I’m still
going to do it, but in 5 minutes, after I check my messages.” Or, “I’m tired
right now, I’ll just take a day off and do it tomorrow.” This is another form
of rationalization — basically, just a habitual response to not wanting to do
something, a way to get out of it. My friend Tynan says one of the most harmful
things to the habit of self-discipline and building trust in ourselves is the
habit of renegotiating with ourselves.
7. We dislike the
experience and avoid things we dislike. This seems natural — if I don’t
like to eat vegetables, I probably will avoid them. If I don’t like to face an
uncomfortable writing task, I’ll put it off. But the problem is that with every
habit, with every difficult project … we’re going to find multiple moments of
discomfort, of disliking the experience. We’ll never stick to anything if we
bail as soon as we dislike something. Instead, we have to see that this habit
of disliking, judging, resenting, mentally complaining, and avoiding … it’s
hurting us. We don’t need to like everything about an experience to put
ourselves fully into it. We are stronger than that.
8. We forget why it’s
important. Maybe you started out taking something seriously, but then a week into
it, you’ve forgotten. Now you’re just thinking about how uncomfortable it is.
If we forget the importance of something — and if something doesn’t really
matter to us, we shouldn’t commit to it — if we forget, we won’t have a good
reason to push into discomfort.
9. We get down on
ourselves or give up in disappointment. When we falter, when we don’t meet
our ideals or expectations, when we mess up in some way … it’s actually not a
big deal. Just learn from it and start again. But instead, we often beat
ourselves up, feel super disappointed in ourselves. This isn’t helpful, and can
actually sabotage our efforts.
10. There are too many
barriers. This is the simplest one, but we often forget. Let’s say I want to
start eating healthier, and even have a plan for how I want to eat. But then
morning comes, I’m hungry and in a hurry, and I’m supposed to make a tofu
scramble, which requires a lot of chopping of vegetables, cooking, cleaning …
too many things to do right now when I’m hungry, so I’ll just eat the bagel
that will take 2 minutes to make. This is a big problem with most things we
want to stick to — there are barriers that are too high for when we’re tired,
rushed, or not feeling like it. Driving 20 minutes to the gym, having to
declutter the living room before you meditate, having a lot of distractions
when you write, anything that requires more than 5 minutes of prep time before
we can get started … it’s too high of a barrier.
OK, so those are
the reasons we don’t stick to things. Many of you are pretty familiar with
these, but it’s good to be reminded, and it’s a smart idea to give them some
consideration. Why do we let these obstacles continue to trip us up? Aren’t
there good solutions?
Yes, there are —
and they’re not all that difficult to implement, if we just consciously decide
to do them and then take action to remember them and make them happen. Let’s
take a look.
Overcome These
Barriers, Get Better at Sticking to Things
1. Take it super
seriously. Is this important enough to commit to? Do you really want it, enough
to push into discomfort when things get difficult? Consider this for a moment
or two before deciding to try to stick to something. Then give it the effort
that something important deserves — write it down. Make a plan, even if it’s
just a short one. Commit to someone else. Set up reminders. Have a time when
you’re going to do it every day. Clear a space to do that, set things up. Don’t
take it lightly.
2. Make sure you don’t
forget. How will you remember when the time comes to do it? Where will you be,
what will you be doing, when it’s time to meditate, or write, or exercise, or
eat your healthy lunch? Put a reminder note or other visual reminder there.
This is really important, because as we start to do something new, it’s too
easy to forget. Put up multiple reminders, including one on your phone and one
on your computer. If it’s important enough to commit to, it’s important enough
to create these reminders.
3. Relish the pushing
into discomfort & uncertainty. We have to retrain ourselves to see
discomfort and uncertainty as a signal to practice and get better at being in
discomfort, instead of a signal to run away. Our minds habitually want to get
away from discomfort and uncertainty, but there’s no good reason to do that. We
won’t die or be hurt because we’re eating broccoli or doing a few pushups
(unless you have a serious medical condition, of course — always check with a
doctor if you do). There’s no need to panic and run when we’re uncomfortable.
Instead, we can even start to relish this practice opportunity, to see it as a
delicious experience of getting better at something, of learning and finding a
way to open up to discomfort.
4. See temptation as a
signal to practice. In the same way, each time we have temptation, we can train ourselves
to see it as a signal to practice staying in discomfort without needing to
relieve it by giving in to the temptation. At a party where there’s chocolate
cake (and you’re committed to a healthy eating plan)? Say no to the cake but
hell yes to the opportunity to stay in the discomfort of not giving in to
temptation. Say hell yes to the chance to explore what that’s like, to find joy
and gratitude in the middle of it.
5. Set boundaries to
recognize your rationalizations. We can train ourselves, too, to
become aware of when we’re rationalizing. It’s hard to see sometimes, because
we’re so used to just rationalizing in the background, and allowing ourselves
to believe it without any conscious thought. So to make it obvious that we’re
rationalizing, it’s helpful to have firm boundaries, because then we see when
the rationalizations are trying to convince us to cross the boundaries. For
example, if you say, “I’m only going to eat between 11am and 6pm,” then it’s
obvious when you’re trying to convince yourself to eat at 9pm. Other examples
of boundaries: “I’m only going to watch two TV shows, and only after 8pm,” “I
only eat hearty salads for lunch,” “I go for a walk or run every day when I get
off work,” or “I meditate when I wake up, before I open my computer or phone.”
When you set these hard boundaries, you see yourself trying to rationalize.
When you realize this, just don’t let yourself believe the rationalization.
They sound convincing, but they’re sabotaging you.
6. Don’t renegotiate
in the moment. Just don’t let yourself. Make the plan the day before (or at the
beginning of the month, or the week, etc.) but don’t let yourself decide in the
moment. You’re too prone to put it off or try to get out of discomfort.
Instead, tell yourself that you can’t renegotiate for a week (or a month). Only
after that period can you sit down and give it some thought, and decide whether
you want to recommit.
7. Relish the opening
up to things you dislike. When you find yourself committed to doing
something you dislike, it’s easy to try to get out of it, or resent having to
do it. Instead, we can train ourselves to shift our mental attitude, and see it
as an opportunity to practice open our minds up to this experience. What can we
be grateful for right now, in the middle of this experience? How can we see
this experience that we don’t like as a gift? How can we learn to see the
deliciousness in this experience, instead of focusing on what we don’t like?
Relish this opportunity!
8. Reconnect to why
it’s important. Every day, as you’re about to do this thing you’ve committed to, ask
yourself why. Why is this important to you? Why have you devoted yourself to
it, and is it worth devoting yourself fully to it? Can you commit
wholeheartedly to it? Does this matter to you for a reason that’s bigger than
your discomfort? Reconnect your actions to your devotion.
9. Practice self
compassion. When you mess up, when you are less than ideal, see when this causes
you pain and difficulty. Give yourself some self compassion — actually give
yourself a loving wish for an end to your struggle, a loving wish for peace, a
loving wish for happiness. Instead of seeing this as a reason you suck, see it
as a reason to love yourself. Then find something to learn from the experience,
and start again. It’s no big deal.
10. Remove as many barriers
as you can. You’re fully committed, you’ve set up reminders, you know why this is
important to you, you’ve set hard boundaries, and you’re ready to practice with
your discomfort and temptations and rationalizing … now remove as many barriers
as you can, to make it easier on yourself. Can you prepare everything ahead of
time, so that when it comes time to do it, you just start? Can you make your
meals on Sunday, so weekday lunches are just heating up a bowl of your veggie
chili? Can you get your yoga mat and clothes ready, along with music or a yoga
video, so that when you’re done with work, you can just change and press play?
Can you remove distractions the night before, so that when you wake up to
write, there’s just you and your writing program, and nothing else? Find your
barriers, and remove them all. Eliminate all excuses to start.
I believe that if
you implemented these steps, you’d be much better at sticking to something.
What do you want to stick to for the rest of this month? For each month next
year? Consider them now, figure out why they’re important to you and whether
that’s an important enough reason to push into the discomfort of being
consistent. Then commit yourself fully, wholeheartedly, with all of your being.
You are worth it.
Check out more of Leo's work here: https://zenhabits.net/
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