There’s a hope that
when we start creating a new habit that we’ll master it and never have to worry
about it again, or when we start a new project that it’ll go perfectly.
Unfortunately, life
never goes according to our plans. We travel, and eating and exercise habits go
out the door. We get sick, and our meditation habit falls off. We have
visitors, and our writing project falls into a deep abyss.
I know from my own
experience, and coaching thousands of others, that habits and projects are a
messy affair. We get good at building and maintaining 5-6 habits, or we get off
to an amazing start with a new project, and then everything falls apart when
our lives get disrupted. And this becomes a huge problem — we get discouraged!
But what if the disruption and
falling off isn’t the problem? What if the problem is our hope
that we’ll never have to get disrupted, that things will always go perfectly?
This hope is, of course, greatly misguided.
Things don’t ever go smoothly, progress is never linear, and we’ll always get disrupted. It would be best to give up
that hope, and instead deal with the reality of our lives.
What we need to do
is get good at starting, then starting again. And again. This is an incredible
skill that becomes a superpower, when everyone else is wringing their hands
about how much they suck at life, how difficult things are, how everything has
fallen apart. Instead, we just focus on starting again, and let go of all the
stress.
The Skill of
Starting
The first skill, of
course, is starting in the first place. Lots of people never do this,
procrastinating, saying they’ll start tomorrow (I’m not judging, this is very
human). So just starting at all is an incredible step.
The skill isn’t
that hard, and with practice you can get good at starting:
1. Take the tiniest
step to get started. Any movement at all.
2. Commit yourself to
continuing that tiny step every day. Get accountability if you need it, and set
up reminders so you don’t forget.
3. Keep taking tiny
steps, creating a good feeling about this endeavor and about yourself. This
good feeling is a powerful thing.
When you notice
yourself pushing it off, delaying the start, rationalizing why you can start
“in a few minutes” … shake that off. Just take the first step. After that step,
the other steps are a lot easier.
The Super Skill of
Starting Again
OK, great, but what
about when you get disrupted? Not a problem.
Most of us have a
process, when we get disrupted, that looks like this: we mess up, we curse
ourselves, we feel bad about it, we stress out about why our lives are a mess
or we are so horrible at this, and then we let all of that stop us from
continuing. Or some version of those elements.
But that’s a
harmful method. Instead, if we could learn a less stressful, more helpful
method, it could change everything. All of a sudden, falling off a habit or a
project would be no problem at all.
Here’s the method I
recommend:
1. When you get
disrupted, notice this and notice any tendency to be harsh with yourself about
it, or resentful towards life or other people about the disruption.
2. Shake off that
feeling and instead, tell yourself that life is an uncontrollable river and you
just have to flow with it. Instead of wishing the river were a set path,
perfectly controlled and manicured, accept that things are constantly changing,
never according to plan, and that you just need to adapt to the present
circumstance.
3. Shrugging off any past
mistakes, focus on starting again. Just like before, focus on taking the
tiniest step.
4. If there’s any
learning to take from the previous attempt, adjust your method to account for
whatever obstacles you faced. Sometimes it’s just a random life event (a family
crisis or a loved one died), so there’s no learning to be had — you just have
to start again. Other times, there was an obstacle in the way that you can
adjust for — mornings are too chaotic for writing your novel, perhaps, so you
have to either wake earlier or find a better time. Maybe you need an
accountability partner. Maybe you need better reminders so you don’t forget.
There’s always a solution to the common obstacles we face, and someone has
figured it out, so do a little research! And then adjust your method, so you
are constantly getting better.
It’s that simple.
Shrug off the disruption, flow with the changing circumstances, and simply
start again. Adjust yourself if needed, but don’t stress out about having to
start again.
Life is a constant
stream of disruptions, changes, broken plans and rain delays. Every day, we’re
just starting again. Every moment is simply a new start. That can be a source
of frustration, or delight.
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