Happy New You!

We’re about 6 weeks too late, but what the heck, Happy New Year!! <Insert sheepish  grin>

Imma be real with you, I spent the first part of 2019 locking down social media, putting all my profiles private, and I just haven’t felt like writing at all.

I don’t really know how to explain what’s been going on.. except.. I put all my eggs into one shabby little basket and the basket fell apart, my life with it. The problem with smashed egg’s is they never go back together again in the same way, and if you don’t clean them up, they leave an awful stench.

Here was the plan: I was going to wake up, it was going to be an amazing fresh start to the best year of my life and all my hardships of 2018 were going to banish away.

Here is what happened: I woke up, everything was the same as the day before and  none of the unresolved issues had miraculously vanished.

I know… Shocking really…  how fcking dare it not all go to plan overnight.

Here’s the thing about putting all of your expectations and pressures on New Years Day and New Years Resolutions -  it’s fucking stupid. Don’t do it.

So I spent the first week of 2019 hiding under my duvet, refusing to eat, licking my wounds and drowning in self-pity. Then the second week my mother turns up and drags my sorry ass to the doctors. I’m sat in the doctors and the first thing she asks me is “when did you last eat?” before proceeding to tell me that she could smell from my breath that my body had gone into ketosis… fabulous I thought – as my mother handed me a breath mint!

I was diagnosed with acute anxiety and depression, offered prescription drugs and/or cognitive behavioural therapy. Now considering I hadn’t eaten in a while and I couldn’t remember what day of the week it was, I’m pretty proud of my decision to give the meds a miss and accept the cognitive behavioural therapy.

By this point my work were on board and organised for 6 counselling session.

Everyone was on team Blondie… except Blondie.. but I was getting there – I was at least starting to open my ears.

The next 4 weeks would be filled with therapy, affirmations, Louise Hay on youtube repeat, early nights, food…. (didn’t matter what as long as I made sure I ate) journaling and messaging my friends and family on hourly interims to make  sure I didn’t bottle it up.

In 4 weeks (FOUR WEEKS)…

I went from going with it to shut people up to getting excited about a free parking space.

I went from holding onto toxic energy, to blocking out people who caused me pain.

I went from eating because the doctor commented on my breath to making full blown slap up dinners for myself.

I went from hating who I was, to kinda thinking that chicks “alright”

Not too bad for 4 weeks am I right? Now don’t get me wrong, yo girls got a long way to go.

I’m still struggling with insecurities, trust and letting people in.

But I’ve come so far now that I’m really dedicated to trying my best, and I’m super proud of that.

In the 30 years I’ve been on this planet – 2019 is my already my favourite. I’ve learnt so much about myself, about how my brain works and that kind of knowledge is going to help me make the most out of the rest of my life.

So, here’s to a shitty new years, and a wonderful 2019!

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